Feb 09 2009
Fitting In
I am writing this on a new computer. I finally broke down, and bought something that didn’t use vacuum tubes. In truth, my other one finally gasped its final breath. I don’t want to say it was a tad slow, but I found it quicker to walk to the library and look up the information I needed in an encyclopedia, than to boot up the poor thing and enter cyber space.
My new computer has all its keys, too. My other one beginning to resemble the grin of Leon Spinks. I only mention this because, my son Ryan saw it and asked, “Is that new?”
When I said indeed it was, he said, “Snaps.” Then turned on his heels and started to walk away.
“Snaps?” “What the heck does that mean?”
He said, “You know… snaps.” Then he shook his head and walked away.
I have to admit, I was more than a little confused. Then I remembered a similar conversation I had with my father years ago. When I was Ryan’s age, my father said something to me, and my reply was, “Groovy.”
My father said, “Groovy?”
I said, “Yeah, groovy.”
My dad looked me in the eye, smirked and said, “There ain’t no groovy in this house boy, understand?”
I think what bothered me more than not being hip enough to understand today’s slang, was the fact that I know today’s culture is having an uncertain effect on my children. I not only hear it in their language, but I also see it their choice of music, clothing, and now, in Ryan’s case, his hair.
Like my parents, and their parents, what we see outside of our own upbringing disturbs us. I talk to a lot of parents after my shows and a common theme is that they are all happy that they don’t have to grow up in today’s teen culture. The pressure to conform is even greater than it was when they were teens. Or is it? Is it even possible to not remember being 15?
I was a walking hormone and a total teenage clod when I mustered up the courage to ask Ellen Collidge to the homecoming dance. Her reply? “Why would I go to the biggest dance of my life, with you?” Honestly, I had no answer.
“So that would be a no?” I asked sheepishly. Then I felt a zit sprout on the end of my chin. In an attempt to save face I replied rather feebly, “Groovy.” I pretended it didn’t bother me, but the fact that I remember it 34 years later says differently.
No, 15 is 15. I don’t care if it is the 21st century or the 1st century. Insecurity and self-doubt drive us to want to fit in. Remember how the kids that didn’t fit in were treated?
When you look behind the bad skin, the baggy pants, the hip lingo and the false bravado, what do you see? I see a bruised ego. And just beyond that, a little child who only wants to be well thought of, only wants to make a difference, only wants to love and be loved by their family, especially their parents. The rest is all window dressing.
So I try to look past the wild hair, the pierced body parts and the skull and crossbones tattoos and into their hearts. And then I see this kindness, and that trumps all that other stuff and puts tears of love and empathy into my eyes.
And that moves me, and moves in my heart and makes me want to reach out to my son and say, “Snapes”, just to hear him laugh at me and say, “Not ‘snapes.’ ‘Snaps.’ You’re such a loser, Dad.” And here I thought I was the “cat’s meow.”
Some things never change.
I know I’m not alone here. What about you and your kids? What kinds of strange things do they do to fit in?
Do you sometimes struggle to see the little angel buried in all that teenage malaise (or mayonnaise)?
I’d really love to know. If you’d like to tell me, please click on the Comments link above.
I think the biggest thing I struggle(d) with is the cell phone. I was really resistant to getting my teenager a cell phone, both because of the cost and… it just offended my sensibilities that he “needed” a cell phone. But now that he has it, I don’t know how he would handle his social life (aka “fit in”) without it.
And while I’m writing about this, let me bring up something else. Is it healthy for kids to be as connected to everything as they are? I mean, if he’s not on the computer, he’s texting. If he takes a nap and someone texts him, he wakes up an texts back. It’s like he’s always tuned in – there doesn’t seem to be any alone time, any time for reflection, etc. Is this a thing that people are already talking about (I’m usually the last to know what’s going on – I just learned that a Wii-Mote is not a way of saying “remote” with a speech impediment).
Wow – I’m a teenager and I feel like this. The last time somebody said “that’s sick” I was left questioning what they meant. Is that a bad thing?
But I deffinitely agree… Thing that make people supposedly “fit in” are based on personal issues such as insecurity. I’ll admit it. So much is unecessary in my life. I want or “need” it just to fit in. Lately however, I found that being confident in myself and not caring if I fit in seems to be a better life. No struggling. Yes, it truly is a “happy life”.
I have the same concerns about teenagers being “connected” all the time. If they are not texting, they are on the inernet. It is very different from the world I grew up in. The idea that I could have had a phone that was cordless would have been exciting alone, much less the idea that I could take it with anywhere. Anyone else have thoughts about this?
My son, although not quite a teen, is running through a rough time fitting in right now. He’s not very athletic, but he’s very, very intelligent. Not sure why God made it that way, but it usually pans out in that order. Smart kid = not so athletic. Semi-smart = okay at sports and so on. Anyhow, my son, after trying just about every sport, decided he really didn’t like the sports scene. However, he had a strong desire to take hip-hop dance with my daughter. That is, until his friends at school found out. Now, nothing I say trumps the “nice” words I’m sure his friends at school passed his way. Fitting in. Tough deal for these little ones. Poor kid can’t even do something he desires because he wants to fit in. Thanks for the blog.
I recently had a talk with my 14 year old daughter about the language that she uses at school, and increasingly at home. It wasn’t slang I was worried about, but crude, harsh words and cursing. I had seen a few words on her Facebook page that I objected to, and left a few “**this is my frowning mother look**” messages, trying to lightly let her know that it wasn’t acceptable. When we talked about it, she confessed that her language at school sometimes got pretty rough, and that, as the only Christian in her group, she felt a need to let the other kids know that she accepted them, and didn’t want to alienate them by talking “better” than they did. I understood her point. Because she has been loving and accepting of her friends, they have felt free to tell her some of their experiences with other christian kids, and they weren’t positive. Most of their experiences involved a lot of “You know, you shouldn’t be doing that!” ~ a-rolling-of-the-eyes, rule based distain for “sinners”. She doesn’t want to give the impression that she looks down on her friends who don’t believe.
I encouraged my daughter to follow Jesus’ example, in that people lost in their sin felt more comfortable with Him than anywhere else in the world, but yet we know that Jesus never had to indulge in sin to make them comfortable. The key was that He loved them so completely, enjoying them and valuing them just as they were. People knew that He was different because He had no need for sin, but that difference gave them hope and made them feel safe with Him. The only people it alienated were those in the church who cared more about rules than people.
I really think the key to the “fitting in” thing is to help our kids realize their roles as ministers in their worlds, and to focus on loving and caring for others as Jesus did, rather than on making sure they are accepted and cool. If we can get our kids to exchange the question “Do I feel accepted?” with “Do my friends feel loved by me?”, their focus is off of themselves and onto those who really need the reality of the love of Jesus Christ in their lives. The Holy Spirit is just as powerful in my daughter as He is in me, and given god’s incredibleness, there is no reason not to believe that He can move in her world with the same life changing power that He moves through mine. He is so awesome!!!