Mar 30 2009
Wants and Needs
I remember when my youngest teen stopped me in the hall and asked if we could talk. Not having a whole lot to do, I obliged the lad. Without hesitation, he shoots out, “I think I am old enough to buy my own school clothes.”
I thought about it and replied, “You know, I think you’re right.”
Then we stared at each other for about a minute. He then broke the silence by saying, “Well?”
To which I replied in kind, “Well, what?” (Scintillating so far, is it not?)
He then says incredulously, as if I am a moron that was missing the obvious, “Well, I need some money!”
I said to him, “I thought you said you wanted to buy your clothes, not run to the mall and pick them out with my money. To be honest you could have done that when you were five.”
He says, “Whatever!”
That is one word that makes the hair on my neck stand up. Every time I hear it, I want to boink him right in the eyes, not hard, you know just like Mo used to do to Larry. I mentioned this because the word “whatever”, is one of the words that he uses that drives me crazy. The other one, and I don’t know why this is, is the word need.
I get tired of hearing that word come out of my children’s’ mouths. I have corrected them a thousand times. “You don’t neeeeeed the gummy bears, you waaaaant the gummy bears.”
“Whatever!” they reply. And so it goes.
We finally had it out in the mall. We weren’t there five minutes and everything his eyes set upon he needed. The proverbial straw was a pair of gym shoes.
“Oh Dad, I neeeeed these shoes, I really need them!!!! And look, they’re only a hundred dollars.”
“Only?” I said.
“Yeah,” he says.
First of all, let me tell you, I love the word “only,” especially, when it comes from the unemployed. I also have to tell you there was no way I was spending a hundred dollars for a pair of shoes that this walking hormone would outgrow on the way out of the mall.
So I looked him in the eye and said, “No, let’s go home.” Not thinking for a minute he would accept that.
“But Dad, I neeeeeeed those shoes!”
“You don’t need them, you want them.” I said. “Let me ‘splain’ something to you my little lad. First of all unless your name is Michael Jordan, never in this lifetime will you NEED a hundred dollar pair of gym shoes. But I understand how much you want the shoes, and I have forty dollars for your gym shoes.
Now I can tell you what you neeeeed!” I paused for dramatic effect, and said, “Sixty bucks.”
And for emphasis, I added “only.”
As he melted down in front of me, crying about the unfairness of it all, I strode towards the car and paused just briefly enough to utter, “Whatever!”
How are all of you holding up against the narcissistic onslaught of teenage needs? Do you cave in? Have you figured out where to draw the line?
I’d love to know! Click on the “responses” button and let us all know!
Having raised my two children who are now in their mid twenties, I remember as if it was just yesterday the fear that would try to come upon me. This fear came trying to intimidate me and cause me to worry if our relationship was strong enough to hold up under my authority over my children. As parents, we are given God ordained authority with them which doesn’t last long…just until they get married or are completely emancipated from our home and finances.
I had to bite the bullet and not cave in to the fear that I would not be perceived as “cool” or as a “buddy”. They don’t need any more buddies. They need parents who will guide them in the right direction, with the boundaries we discover they need while in prayer with our God. He alone knows them so intimately and knows exactly what it takes to raise them to be all He destined for them.
In prayer, we can ask God for wisdom to know what to do in situations with our kids. We can ask Him to show us things, which He will do through dreams, words, revelations of all sorts. Never ignore that gut feeling and be yourself; it IS cool enough!
I wasn’t perfect at it, but prayed the mistakes I made whether over or under indulgent, would be fixed by the only One Who can fix us. That’s really all we can do…seek God and be obedient to do what He tells us to do with our kids. We then must prayerfully trust Him with the outcome and that He will turn around for their good all that was harmful. If we don’t do what we must, providing our part of the hedge of protection that is to surround them, then we have permitted an open door to them which didn’t have to happen.
We are to train a child up in the way he should go so when he is old, he won’t depart from it.
I remember as my daughter was preparing to leave for college, there was a hurtful time which had occurred as I had to turn the car around and drop her back home instead of enjoying our time together at the pool, one last time before she was to leave. She had tried the intimidation thing with me and I let her know I wasn’t going to be manipulated. In her not giving it up, I had no choice but to end our trip. I was grieved and was crying about it when I was alone praying. She did come apologize but something just hurt so badly that the time together had been taken away from us. I had all the flashbacks of times she had screamed at me for being, “the worst mother anyone ever had!”
Then she was off to school. A few days later I received an email from her which I have saved even to this day, nine years later. It was a love letter in which she poured out her heart of gratitude in that she now understood why I guarded her the way I did. She could see first hand what some of the other girls her age were like and what they had lost in growing up without the protection of those boundaries in place. My relationship with both my kids is gold now, which was refined in the fiery trials of adolescence.
I am so grateful to God for His mercy and guidance! I am so blessed with two adult kids who enrich my life more than I could have ever imagined. I am so pleased with the adults they have become thanks to God’s grace.
Maybe I come from an enconimical back ground a lot different then the common user of this site. I raised my children on a shoe string budget that was frayed after the rent and utilities was paid. My children were made aware of this because I did not shelter them from the facts of our lives. I think so many parents over look this fact. If you include your children in the struggles of your life and be real with them. I remember often saying to my children, “yes it would be nice to have this or that, but it is so much nicer having the gas to cook your food with and heat to keep you warm. It was a major struggle for us, but the Lord never let us go without what we needed. My kids would grow out of clothes and the next thing I would know a friend of a friend was clearing out their kids closets and gave them to my friend to see if they knew anyone with kids that size. My kids wore the clothes as if they were store bought and new. The Lord blessed us so many times in so many ways. Today my children understand that your needs far outway your wants, yes just as the rest of us it hurts because lets be truthful, we all want things. But at least I know and my children know that just as God feeds and clothes the birds and flowers also He will see that we get what we need, even if it is a good humbling to bring us back in line with Him.
I believe my daughter & your son is the same person – dressing up to fool us. She is 26 & still says “whatever” to me. She is better with the explanation or I am just dumber because she got 3 wedding dresses – each one the one “of her dreams”. At the 3rd dress , I told her that her father would divorce me if I bought one more – her answer “who would walk me down the aisle”. Please tell me she was kidding.
I have heard the “only” cost Micheal Jordan’s orginal shoes & yes my son had a pair but I drew the line at his 2nd pair
My oldest needed a new car – I said she could ride the school bus or drive the car that was as old as she was. She grew to love her car – my 2nd least favorite word – NOT! She did drive it quietly though.
Now after years of marriage of their own they found my answer to all their problems “sorry the bank is closed”.