Clean Comedian Jeff AllenJeff Allen - Corporate Comedian
 
The world's funniest Cleaan Comedian

Funny Stories

Contribute Your Funny Family Tales of Woe!
Share your funny family anecdotes with me and I'll include the best of them here, in my newsletter and possibly in my act. See the latest favorite submissions below! --Jeff

Type Your Story Here

Tell Us Your Name, City and State. Feel free to omit your last name, if you would rather keep your identity private. All fields are optional.

First Name    

Last Name  

City              

State (Prov.) 

Email            

Confirm       

To help us avoid getting spam, please type the purple text into the "Confirm" box.

 

Finally, press the following gray button to submit your tale.

Agreement

By submitting your information above, you agree that this information is original and not owned by any other parties other than yourself.  You further agree that Jeff Allen, Zingara, and associates may use this information in print or any other media in any form and without restrictions.  If you have provided your name, you agree that we may include your name, city and state in attributing this information to you, although we will not be required to attribute this information to you.  Further, you allow that we may alter this information (typically in the interest of making it funnier and more acceptable to use).  You agree to hold Jeff Allen, Zingara and associates harmless from any action resulting from the printing or broadcasting of this information or such derivatives.

 

Latest Favorite Submissions


Bath Noire
Phil Mullins, Louisville, KY
As a parent to four young children, I am amazed at what our bathroom looks like at the end of bath night. It's like a gas station restroom from a movie about a fugitive on the run. There's standing water everywhere; Q-tips, half-empty toothpaste tubes, cups and other random items lying about; a tattered rag floating in a sink full of murky water; an abandoned box of hair dye; pieces of hair lying around a pair of broken rusty scissors; a single, flickering light bulb swinging ominously to and fro in front of a dirty mirror; a receipt from the purchase of a one-way bus ticket to Tijuana; and a ripped-in-half photo of a large albino Russian man with the words "El Diablo" scrawled across it in what appears to be axle grease. Easiest. Bath night. Ever.

Code Dave, South Jordan, UT
When our kids were young, we tried to teach them to be kind to each other. So we did not allow them to say 'shut up' or 'stupid' to each other, for example. We referred to them as the 'S' words. While receiving a visit from our local religious leader, one of the kids ran in and said, "William just used the 'S' word."

My wife said, "Which one?"

She said, "The one Daddy used when the man came to the door selling magazines."

Coding your speech with young children can cause some red-faced experiences.

Waiting Dexter Smith, Baltimore, MD
When I was in college and my dad was in the Navy and stationed at Ft. Meade, MD, we lived on post. The washing machine died one day and he had to call post maintenance to come fix it. He had to ask the question we all dread, "When can you come out?" The answer was tomorrow between 8:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. My dad then said, "So now I have to sit on my front step waiting all day for you to come?" The lady replied, "No sir. You may wait inside."

A Lot Can Go Wrong with Six Susan Scott, Paris, IL
I have six beautiful children. When my oldest two were about six and three we were on our way to church one evening when my oldest saw a tower with the blinking light on top. He yelled excitedly, "Look a blimp!" My youngest looked eagerly around. "Where, Where!" he exclaimed. "Right there, sweetheart" I said as I pointed, not bothering to correct them. As far as I was concerned if they wanted to believe they saw a blimp that was fine with me. Then we got to church, my three year old ran into the church excitedly. When he got inside he looked up and told the first person what he saw "I saw a pimp!" I stammered and tried to explain what he meant was a blimp, which got more stares. "You know the towers with the lights on top!" I explained. Meanwhile my three year old had proceeded ahead of me, while I was explaining to the first person, informing EVERYONE he saw that he had seen a pimp on the way to church. Talk about wanting to crawl under the pew and die!

Fast forward to my fifth child. We were visiting a church. A young man sat behind us. My three year old son began to giggle A LOT. He turned around looked at the young man and said in laughter "You have girl hair!" The young man with the long hair politely ignored my son. So my son says "Mommy look he has girl hair!" With more laughter. I tell him to be quiet. Does he listen? Of course not! He turns to the young man and says, "Are you a girl or a boy? Cause you have girl hair." I could have died. He then proceeded to point the young man out to everyone with giggles, "Look at his girl hair!" So I have decided a three-year-old's sole purpose is to give you the desire to hide under the pew at church.

I've Got Your Back
Brady Kelly, Odessa, TX
My dad and I were playing golf one day and there were very nice houses on the sides of the fairway. I hit my drive and broke one the windows on one of the houses. My dad said "Don't worry son, I'm right beside you if the owner comes out and starts yelling." Sure enough the owner comes out and my dad runs the other way. 

Bathing Beauty
Bryan Elbell, Spring Hill, FL
A couple of years ago, my wife and I adopted a precious five-year-old girl. It didn't take long before she had us wrapped around her finger. Being the dad, I found out that my role was limited to going to work so I could make money and buy her things, and being the deciding vote to see whether she could do or have things after mommy told her no. If I sided with my wife, I was the "Mean Old Dad." If I took my daughters side, then I knew that my wife would be mentally placing me in a "time out" and would be more than grateful to voice her opinion later on in the just planned discussion we would be having later. My wife comes from a large family with hordes of nieces, so it was only appropriate for every one of her brothers and sisters to bestow upon us, all the clothes that their girls had outgrown. Well one fine evening, I was recruited to be a judge for all the bathing suits that had been given to our daughter. Mommy would help her put them on in the bedroom, and the little one would come out to show me what it looked like. After about 15 fittings and displays, she emerged from the bedroom with the last suit, which was a very cute set that looked liked something straight from the French Riviera. She asked me how it looked, and I replied "That's the best one yet. It looks European." To which she got a horrific look on her face, bent over at the waist, looked down and said to me "Daddy I'm not peein'." 

Thor's Paddle
Jim Eigel, Cincinnati, OH
I went to a Catholic high school in Cincinnati. Way back when they gave swats to discipline us. They had to. It was an all male school, 500 kids; it was the only way to keep us in line. We knew it. It worked, and none of us are mentally scarred from it.

The teacher went around the classroom checking to make sure we had done our homework. Any one who didn't do their homework was invited to the front of the class for a swat. After a check of the class, there were five of us up front lined up awaiting the consequences of our inaction. The teacher says, "I'd really rather you all did your homework rather than get a swat. Your gonna get your swat, and five minutes later your going to forget all about the swat. You still haven't done your homework and your going to walk out of here just as stupid as when you walked in!"

"But..." he continued, "since it's raffle season, I'm going to give you a choice: the five of you can take a swat, OR you each buy a raffle ticket and help support the school." The five of us looked at each other, scowling and puffing our 17-year-old chests out and said "Yeah, we'll take the swat."

Dan was first up and, stepping up to the front, 'assumes the position.' The teacher, who was really one of the football coaches who pretended to be a teacher, checks his grip on the beautifully hand crafted, varnished paddle fashioned in shop class with holes drilled in it to reduce wind resistance, and took aim. With a shoulder turn that rivaled a Tiger Woods tee shot, the teacher winds up and releases with a fury that resonated through the Mighty Halls like a crack of thunder from Thor's Hammer. Whaacckkkk! To this day, it was hardest dayum swat I've ever seen in my life. Forget about it in five minutes?!! It's been more than 35 years and I'll bet Dan hasn't sat down YET.

As we picked our lower jaws up off the floor, the four of us remaining towers of courage suddenly felt a searing heat in our wallet. You'd have thought those dollar bills mysteriously caught fire as we reach into our back pocket and nobly contributed to a most worthy charity, our esteemed Annual High School Raffle. We may not have learned our history lesson, but we for darn sure weren't that stupid.

Choice Words  Tom Tippery, Odon, IN
When my wife and I were first married, we were in that lovey-dubby mode. Then one day I changed that for a few weeks with this comment. We got in an argument and my wife says to me, "Tom I am sorry that I am not perfect for you." Here is the comment that changed all that: "Well honey I would settle for mediocre." I actually said that! We have been married now 18 wonderful years and the Lord has blessed us. Today we laugh at that argument together. God Bless you Jeff.

Life Imitating Art
Sue Boling, Lake Orion, MI
I'm a big fan of the comic strip Zits, about a family, but mainly centers around the teenage son. I've also been a big fan of curfews regardless of age. My theory being ... if a child can come and go as he pleases, what would ever motivate him to move out!? All this to set up the following. I've never been crazy about my teenager sleeping half the day away, so I make sure to motivate him by 10:00a.m. Whenever necessary. One day after several years of this my son shows me one of the latest Zits cartoons where the teenager is sleeping until noon, and say's, in front of his friends that were visiting, "See Mom this is normal." I said "Son, you realize you are comparing yourself to a 15-year-old cartoon character?" My son was 20 years old at the time.

Long and Totally Worth It!
Kyle Koehler, Springfield, OH
In April, I took my first long distance camping expedition with my wife and five children (ages 11, 9, 7, 5 and 3) from Springfield Ohio to Gatlinburg Tennessee. We were pulling a newer popup camper with a Ford Excursion. Both completely packed with our supplies and belongings.

On St Rte. 40 between Knoxville and Gatlinburg Tennessee, we experienced a blowout on our popup camper's passenger side tire. The traffic was incredibly heavy and I quickly pulled to the side of the road even though there was very little real estate to do so. The trucks and cars in the right lane were flying by.

I had a very good attitude about the situation and reassured my wife and five children that this was situation that I could handle.

I found myself feeling like the father in The Christmas Story… “Alright dear, let’s see if I can break my record for changing a tire!”

I had the spare off the back of the camper in no time. I was confident since I knew the spare had never been used - and still had the little rubber hairs on it to prove it! I was also under the delusion that I could jack up the camper with the stabilizer jacks on the camper itself… that did not work. This was not bad until I realized, having never had a flat on my SUV, that I didn’t know where the car jack was located. Finally it hit me that the jack was under the floor of the back storage area which was methodically packed to the hilt with our luggage. The problem was compounded by the fact that we had installed a bike rack over the rear doors of the car that held 3 bikes.

We removed the bikes, bike rack, and luggage for 7 people from the Excursion before we located the jack. I jacked up the camper, changed the tire and started letting down the camper when it became obvious that although the spare tire was brand new… it had sat on the camper for 2 years (through 2 winters) and had lost most of its air. But that’s OK because I had purchased a road side emergency kit that included a 12-volt air pump.

My wife had been busy repacking all the luggage into the back of the SUV (this time not as methodical as Dad had done the night before), and reinstalling the bike rack. I am sad to say that the road side emergency kit was located beneath the now repacked luggage and bike rack.

It is important to say that at this point the kids were getting restless and wanted (even demanding) to get out of the car on a busy highway. Needless to say that was not going to happen no matter how many times EACH of them asked. They are also my children, with my inherited genes, so the more trouble it appeared Dad was having the more they felt it was their responsibility to come out and rescue Dad (no matter what Mom said).

Bike rack off, luggage out, air pumped located, luggage simply tossed back in and bikes now merely dangling from the bike rack. (Special note should be made that the eventual campground had virtually no place to ride bikes.)

With the air pump plugged in, I walked back towards the installed, but flat, spare only to find out that the cord for the pump only reached a little bit farther than the back of the bumper of the SUV!!! Out comes the car jack as I need to lift the camper, pull off the wheel, and roll it up along side the car to fill it. The kids are now hot because I’ve turned off the car worrying about it overheating along side the road and to keep me from breathing in exhaust fumes from working on that particular side of the car.
 

American Comedy Stories


My wife was trying her best to keep the kids in the car even though the kids' car door has to remain open to keep them cool and to get to the 12-volt outlet inside the car for the air compressor. Our three boys in the back at this point keep pushing the seats forward to attempt an escape. Only to be pushed back by the two older girls in the middle seat. As I just begin filling the tire, the boys make one final push to get out as the girls shove their middle seat back into the “upright position” causing the metal hinge and sliding mechanism on the seat to cut the cord on the 12-volt air compressor!

At this point I lose my cool and am tempted to join the “soap club” with the little boy from the movie The Christmas Story. I now have a flat spare, a shredded original tire, an air pump with a cut power cord and small children looking at Dad losing it along the highway.

I do my best imitation of “MacGyver” as I cut and splice the cord back together using finger nail scissors (not making this up) my wife had in her purse. The kids are all sitting motionless in their seats folding their hands due to my threats of leaving them along the highway in Tennessee. Finally the pump is running again… although running is an overstatement as I believe I could have created more air pressure after a good meal of beans around the campfire.

After about another 20 minutes, the pump creates enough pressure to get us about 5 miles down the road, going well below the speed limit (and the semi-tractor trailers doing 70 MPH), to the next exit and gas station.

We enjoy laughing about this today and our family is closer because of it. Oh, and by the way, it rained every day we were in Tennessee.

Engineering Challenges
Submitted by Lillie Zable, Vancouver, WA
In our house we were all about child safety. We were careful with things that we knew could be harmful to our young children; so it was reasonable for us to attach safety latches to our lower kitchen cabinets to prevent our two-year-old son from getting into things that could be dangerous. I watched as my husband diligently attached each safety latch and then proceeded to try it out to make certain it was secure. Unfortunately I was not the only one watching him. When he was almost finished with this little chore, I looked over and watched our two-year-old son gently open the cabinet door, push down on the newly attached safety latch and, with a smile, he proudly opened the cabinet door. At this point we decided that we would simply have to place anything that was potentially dangerous high enough to be out of his reach. The only problem with this was that I am only four feet, ten inches tall, so everything was also out of my reach! Postscript: I am happy to say that our two-year-old son survived and is now 29. He is a mechanic for the military (no big surprise there), and he has two beautiful daughters who are providing him with the same challenges that he gave to us. We will be going with our son and his wife to see you in Yelm, WA in April. We are all huge fans of your comedy; thank you for sharing your God given talent.

Efficiency Expert
Submitted by Amy Wyatt, Corryton, TN
The other day on the way home from school, we were driving past a field full of cows. My ten-year-old daughter said "Wow, look at that cow. It can poop and walk at the same time!" My seven-year-old daughter replied "Wow, I wish that I could poop and walk at the same time!" (I can only imagine what makes a seven-year-old girl's life so busy that she really needs that skill.)

Three's a Crowd
Submitted by Cheryl, Blue Springs, MO
We had three kids and wanted one more. We got triplets. Boys. It was like we never had kids before in our lives. They broke everything. None of those child safety gizmos worked. I could have made a lot of money for them to test them out. At age two, one of the boys stacked his toys and climbed on his dresser to get to a box of things I didn't want them to get into. This was in a place where I had to stand on the tip of my toes to reach. He pulled it down and then painted all three of their faces with Desiten butt cream! After I stopped laughing, I casually read the back of the tube. It said, "if digested call poison control." They would make a hole in the wall (they called it their attic) and then stash their older siblings' things, like wallets, in the hole. I can relate to a lot of your stories. Three of the six kids have ADHD! I go nuts when they cancel school for bad weather. Please come to our church or one close to Kansas City. We want to see you so badly and bring our friends. They would pee their pants if they saw you. I cry from laughter when I watch your DVDs.

Ready to Wear
Submitted by Tammy, Parnell, MO
This year for Thanksgiving I decided to have KFC for our dinner due to finances and laziness. About two days before, I told my oldest son Brendan that we weren't having a big turkey dinner but chicken instead. He said it's a good thing I told him cause he would have worn his turkey pants and would have been way over-dressed for chicken.

Excuse Who? Submitted by Gary Pritchard, Belmont, MI
I've been driving my mother's 1998 White Oldsmobile 88 for the winter months. I stopped in Walgreen's to pick up some medication, paid the cashier and walked out. It wasn't until after I got in my car and shut the door that I noticed there was a sweet grey haired lady sitting in the passenger seat! She looked at me with a big smile and said: "Hello!" and I said "Hello." Then I said: "Can I help you?" she said, "Not really, but I think you're in the wrong car." I said: "I don't think so." But then I glanced out the driver's window and noticed a white 1998 Oldsmobile 88 with a tan interior sitting right next door. I politely apologized, crawled out of her car and into mine. I quickly backed out and noticed her husband coming out of Walgreen's and getting into their. As I was driving away, I heard them laughing out loud.

That Look
Submitted by Danny Wright, Riverview, FL
One thing I want to share with you ladies out there: there is no such thing as "dress sweats" for church. There, I've I said it. I feel better.
 

Tales of Woe


The Big Greasy
Submitted by Rob Hottes, New Milford, CT
A few years ago, my aunt had Thanksgiving dinner at her house. After getting up at the crack of dawn to begin preparing a lavish meal for more than 30 guests, she soon got tired of washing dishes. Her solution? She began stockpiling them in the washroom, with thoughts of getting to them later. After the meal was over, her sons volunteered to help clean up. (Big mistake!) With her youngest son washing and her oldest drying, they cleared off the table in no time flat. That's when she started bringing out her "secret stash." THREE HOURS LATER, they had hand washed practically every piece of silverware and pot and pan in the house, as well as a few vases and a toilet.

Deep Thoughts Submitted by Terry Abbot, Louisville, KY
Riding in the car with my six-year-old grandson one day. Daniel: "Pawpaw, when is the sun closest to the earth?" Me: "I'm not sure Daniel. Mamaw was a science teacher, we'll ask her when we get home". Daniel. "Yeah, we'll ask Mamaw, she knows everything!" Me: "Now, I do know some things". Daniel: "That's cause you're married to Mamaw".

Day Tripping  Submitted by Angela Evans, Villa Park, CA
One day, as we were wandering around the mall, my five-year-old son kept tripping over his untied shoe laces. He would get flustered, but wouldn't let me help him tie them, so they continued to come untied. Finally, after a few more near spills, I asked him, "Timmy, are you having issues?" He looked at me, glanced at his untied shoes and then, with furrowed eyebrows that expressed duuuuuuuh mom, he replied "No, I have BLUE shoes, Mommy."

Better than X-rays 
Submitted by Dorothy Wilson, Livonia, MI
My 19 month old daughter had just woke up from her nap and when I put her down she started limping. I was concerned and didn't know what to do. It got worse and worse. I called the doctor and she said to take her to the hospital for an x-ray. While we were waiting to be called into the room, I thought I'd take off her shoe to get her ready. That's when I discovered the barrette in her shoe....

Vigilante Mom and the Chili Spread  Submitted by Darren McClelland, Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
As a preface to my story, let me say that when I hear people speak of their quiet, sweet, sensitive and wise Proverbs 31 moms with whom they shared such great kinship and mother/child bond... I don't relate!

While I did appreciate my Mom - and loved her in a whole new light after I became a Christian in 1999, the truth is she was an abused hurting soul her whole life and masked her pain by being both a verbally abusive alcoholic and/or the true life of any party - depending on if you were family or friend. All I know is she could really fire the verbal missiles at Dad and us kids. Having said that, I was a quiet, shy kid who spent a good portion of my youth as a loner. When I was with Mom, my hands were often covering my face in embarrassment at my her escapades.

When I was growing up, there were few things as tasty as Dad's homemade chili.

One summer, as we prepared to leave for a family reunion in Fort Erie, Dad packed into the trunk of his 1972 cherry red Plymouth Satellite a large pot of his chili for our relatives, along with all our suitcases, and our dress clothes on hangars with plastic on them.

Usually, my Dad was the driver on these family trips, but part of the way down Highway 401, for some odd reason, he allowed Mom take the wheel (Dad? What are you doing? Dad?). All was going along just fine - I was in the back seat with my cassette player (remember that quality music media you could fish out of the shell and string around a tree...or your little brother's wrists - those were the days) listening to music through earphones, when suddenly, BAM, another car smashed into us from behind. We were all startled at the impact; thankfully, the crash did not cause the car to go into the ditch.

While Dad and I watched incredulously, Mom blurted out some choice words that pierced my tender ears. Then she changed lanes abruptly, slowed the car so as to come alongside the offending vehicle that had smashed into us, and forced the other vehicle off the road - Dukes of Hazzard style - and then she pulled our car over and came to a stop in a cloud of dust. As her car door flew open, the palms of my hands assumed their normal position over my face in profound embarrassment at what I knew was coming next.

As I had experienced at various times in my life, making my mom angry was not a recipe for success. Does Charles Bronson in Death Wish 1 through 20 ring a bell? How about Clint Eastwood in his subtle Dirty Harry character exacting arrest, trial, and sentence in one shot.

Well, this person who had smashed into us was about to receive the wrath of the "Vigilante Mom!" In my embarrassment, I cowered down in the backseat as Mom got out of the car and went to speak to the driver of the offending car. Without the word of a lie, I could hear Mom's yelling over the roar of highway traffic speeding by - cursing at this poor woman - accusing her of being drunk and on drugs.

Apparently, the driver of the other car was a nurse who had worked all night. She’d fallen asleep at the wheel and collided with the rear of our car. Fortunately, no one was hurt in the collision; unfortunately, Mom had verbally assaulted the other woman into tears. At this point, the poor nurse was probably thinking that death by car crash was preferable to the scenario unfolding before her.

Who was this woman? The female version of Charles Bronson in Death Wish? Or Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry? No lady... that's my mom.

When we arrived at our hotel, Mom and I stood around Dad as he opened the trunk so we could take our things up to the room. One thing that he hadn't thought of doing is sealing the chili pot securely for travel, so - you guessed it - the impact of the accident had turned his pot of famous recipe into a chili spread, all over our clothes!

After what had been a dramatic and adventurous day, all three of us could do nothing else but burst out laughing. Even Mom, who up to this point had been torqued at the day's events, was howling. It felt good to release all that tension and realize that we were lucky to be alive.

Fast forward many years - after I had become only the second Christian in our family - to Mom on her deathbed. God gave me the opportunity to be alone with her on the last day of her life. This particular day at the hospital, there was no one in her room - no nurses or doctors circling about - just us. I sat on the side of her bed and felt the love of Christ pouring through me to my Mom. I told her how much God loved her and asked if I could pray with her. She barked at me "Don't preach at me." I almost laughed at the irony of her rebuke. Here she is, almost ready to breathe her last breath, and enter eternity and judgment with God, and she doesn't want to hear about Him!

The truth is, though, her mom had been a devoted Christian who had already planted the gospel in my Mom's heart. After Mom passed away, God confirmed in my spirit, and my wife's spirit, that my Mom had already done business with God in the final stretch of her life and had accepted Christ.

Hale and Farewell
Submitted by Tammy Koon, williamsfield, OH
When our son was six he took a necklace from his grandmother. He walked in the door and pulled it out of his hat and said, "Oh, now how did that get in there?" Being good Christian parents, we sat him down and asked him, "Do you know where liars and people who steal go?" "They go to 'Hale'" he replied. (He was born in Ohio but somehow managed to grow up with a West Virginia accent.) "Yes, they do honey. So, because we love you, we must punish you." To which he replied "Can't you just send me to Hale?"

Post-Op
Submitted by Kevin Franz, Antioch, CA
My wife was scheduled for a 1:00 p.m. out-patient hernia operation at the hospital and was suppose to be out of post-op around 3:00. I left work dressed in my road construction attire, bright orange t-shirt, blue jeans, boots and ball cap and arrived at the hospital a few minutes early hoping to be there when she came out. Checking in at the nurses station, I was informed that not only was she not out of post-op yet but that she was still in pre op - due to complications the preceding surgeon was having with his surgeries. It would probably be closer to 5:30 before she was out of post-op and I was given a phone number to call and check on her status. I then left to run a few errands and around 5:30 I called and was told that she was in surgery at this time and to give it another hour or so before she would be out. At 6:30 I returned to the hospital, which, by the way, is a good half-hour drive from our house in traffic or I would have returned home. After a few phone calls I was informed that she had just entered post-op and it would be a little while longer before she was brought back to her room to be checked out again and then released. It so happened that her room was only a very short distance from the waiting room where the TV was located, so I grabbed a seat where I could see the door to her room and waited a bit impatiently for her return. Finally around 7:30 p.m. a gurney rolled by in the hallway with a female body on it covered up to her neck in blankets with warming towels wrap around her head with only a small portion of her face showing. AND it was left by my wife's door. So I jumped up and walked up to my wife, smiled at her beautiful restful face, petted her towel-wrapped head, planted a gentle loving kiss on her lips and told her that I was there and I loved her. She then opened her eye's and smiled at me and to my horror it was NOT my wife's smile. Lord what have I gotten myself into now? Camera's everywhere! No place to run! Bright orange shirt and a wife on her way up from post-op. Sorry honey, but when you recover would you please come down and bail me out! I can't believe this has happened and I tell the 17-year-old young lady that everything turned out okay and her family should be with her shortly. Back into the waiting room I started preparing for whatever came next - be it screams or the hospital security who caught the whole thing on their security cameras. A few minutes later the young lady was wheeled away and my wife was brought to her room. I went into her room and as soon as I was finished with all the appropriate identity measures and was sure that I was truly with my near 50-year-old wife (not 17). I quickly tried to share my infidelities with my barely coherent wife just in case I was taken into custody. It's not a good idea to have a knucklehead sharing this kind of a story to someone who has just had a hernia operation. It hurts. And then the nurses all get involved and are rolling around in hysterics and are making up little stories now about the poor boyfriend of the young lady who will probably wonder why she can't get her bo to kiss her in such a tender loving manner again. A year or so later, my wife had another outpatient surgery and this time when I went into her room after post-op, there were signs everywhere with directions to my wife placed there by all the snickering nurses.

A Plum a Day Submitted by Chris Lynch, Palm Springs, CA
One day when my oldest daughter was three years old, she tripped and banged her knee. It was a slight scratch and she was half crying when she came into the kitchen. "Daddy, I hurt my knee." After taking a good look at the scratch, I told her there wasn't much we could do and that the pain would go away quickly. Then I asked her if a fresh plum would make her feel better. She said it would and I handed her the plum. Whereupon, she pressed it to her knee and handed it back and said, "Thanks Dad, it feels much better now."

Not Very Far Submitted by John Robbins, Newport Beach, CA
I'm in the kitchen cooking when my son comes in from watching TV. He says, "Dad, I'd like to go not very far." So, I said, "Alright, how far do you want to go?" A few days later my son and I are watching TV and he points to the set and says, "Not very far!" It was a commercial for Knott's Berry Farm.
 

Gone for Broke Submitted by Anon.
As a plumbing contractor, who has several employees, I received a call from the wife of an employee asking for her husband. I told her he wasn't here. He was out working on a job site. Her next statement was that her water broke. I tried to tell her where she could find a shut-off, but that wasn't the water that broke.


Family Drive Submitted by Curtis Hamm, Prattville, Al
One day, when I was a kid, the family went for a drive. As we passed a meadow full of grazing cows, I asked my mother why the fence was around the property. "It's to keep the cows from roaming around," she answered. A little further down the road we drove past a minimum-security prison. "Why is that fence there," I asked. "It's to keep the prisoners from roaming around," Mom said. Soon, we saw a large, old cemetery with broken, overgrown tombstones, oak trees filled with Spanish moss and a rusted, wrought iron fence surrounding it. As we made our way past, way too slowly for my taste, my sister nudged me and whispered, "Why do you suppose that fence is there?" I didn't sleep for three nights.

 

Disney World Rest Stop  Submitted by Curtis Hamm, Prattville, Alabama
When my daughter was three years old, we took her to Disney World. Driving from Millbrook, Alabama, we decide to take a break at a rest stop just west of Tallahassee, Florida. While we were walking around stretching our legs, my daughter asked, "Is this Disney World?" Hindsight being 20/20, I could have said "Yes honey, it is!" and saved a couple thousand bucks.

 

Picturing Moses by Anita Glover, Flowery Branch, GA
My four-year-old son brought me a picture of Moses that he had "crafted" in Sunday School. I told him how nice the picture was and how much I liked the colors that he used. Then I asked him, "What did you learn about Moses today?" His response: "I learned Moses had googly eyes."
 

The Sound of Dinner Annie Doezie, Newport Beach, CA
Getting close to dinnertime. After running errands all day in the minivan with my young son and daughter in tow, I casually ask, "How does chicken sound?" And from the backseat my son replies, "Bahk, bahk, bahhhk!"


Not Your Grandmother's Rabbit Foot
Brian Davis, Manchester, TN
We have two small dogs. A male Chihuahua and a female toy poodle. Recently the poodle came into heat so the male is constantly doing what dogs do, sniffing her, and so on. We don't want puppies so I told my wife in front of my young son that we should take the male dog to the vet and get his "things" cut off. Then my son says, "Yeah, then we can put 'em on a key chain and sell 'em on eBay!"

 

Fact Check Nicole Nelson, Janesville, WI
My family and I love your performance on Bananas. We own it on DVD and I watch it so often I basically have it memorized. So, as an inside joke, my sister bought me a Daisy one-pump for my birthday last week... and some CoolWhip. We tried it out and found out that 1. I have horrible aim, and 2. It does penetrate CoolWhip.

 

Protection for Children Kelley Christian, Pittsburgh, PA
One afternoon my son and I were driving in the car. My son was in first grade, and he loved to tell me what he learned in school. Out of nowhere he blurts out, "Mom we learned what condoms are in school today."

I almost drove off the road. I took a deep breath and asked my son to repeat what he had just said.

"We learned what condoms were today," he proudly replied.

I kept my cool, took another deep breath, and asked him to share with me what he had learned. All the while my mind was racing to a) wonder what the heck they teach seven-year-olds these days and b) try to come up with the simplest birds and bees talk I could muster.

"Condoms Mom. You know, ketchup, mustard, things like that."

 

That Little Piggy  Chasity Compton, Mt. Hope, AL

It was my son's 4th birthday and my husband and I had agreed to take the kids to celebrate at Chuck-E-Cheese. I had it all planned out. My husband had to work until 6:00 so I was going to get the kids ready, run by the grocery store bakery and pick up a cake that I had ordered and then meet them there. Meanwhile, I was rushing around the house, barefooted, trying to get our two small children ready. I came flying through the living room and caught my pinky toe on the corner or our entertainment center. I went one way and my little toe went another. I had broken it. Once I caught my breath and quit crying, I hobbled around the house to finish getting dressed. It hit me suddenly that there was no way that being 7 months pregnant and having a painfully swollen foot that I would be able to carry 2 kids in town to pick up the cake. I could barely walk as it was. I searched my brain for an idea and remembered that my best friend lived about 2 minutes from the grocery store that I was to pick the cake up from. I called her to ask if she could run in and get it and then I could just drive by her house and she could bring it out to me. This way, I wouldn't have to get out my car. My son overheard me talking to her and telling her about my pinky toe accident and how I needed her to run in the grocery store for me. When I got off of the phone he looked at me with those big blue innocent eyes and without cracking a smile, he asked, "What's wrong mommy? Does your little piggy not want to go to the market today?"

 

Pushing The Human Sponge  Danny Wright, Riverview FL

My 3-year-old son, Hayden, is a sponge. He soaks up everything around, him especially when you least expect it... especially commercials. We're driving down the road one day and he pipes up from the back seat. "Daddy, can we go where shopping is a pleasure?" I didn't get what he was saying so he repeated the question. It was then that I noticed we were passing our local grocery store chain, Publix, whose slogan is "Where shopping is a pleasure." And then one day I was talking to a friend and Hayden was just playing on the floor. I mentioned something about riding the subway and guess what he yells out without even looking up from his toys? "EAT FRESH!!!" This is why, when I'm driving and someone cuts me off, "moron" becomes "Mormon."

Part II: Now my wife and I are expecting our second son. Hayden is sitting beside his mother one day when the baby kicked. Since he was leaning against her stomach, he actually felt it. Upset, he looks up at his mommy and says, "Hey, he PUSHED me." To which she looks over at me and mouths, "Greeaaat. It's already starting!

 

Objective Objectification?  Toni Robertson Nelson, Las Vegas, NV

I am driving our oldest son, then thirteen, to his first "girl/boy" party. He looks up at me wistfully and asks, "Mom, am I good looking?" To which I quickly reassure him that he is. He counters with, "No, Mom, I mean am I - even if you weren't my mom?"

 

Instant Karma  Rhonda, Berwick, PA

One day in the midst of working, chasing children, cleaning the house and all the very busy things a housewife does during her day, the phone rang. It was my husband on the phone, "Hi honey, what are you doing?" My impatient response was, "I don't have time for this - what do you want?!" He said, " I just heard the song, I Just Called to Say I Love You, and so I thought I would call and say I love you." Though many years have gone by, I still think of what a toad I was to him that day. Bless you, darling!

 

Where Frogs Go  Skip Blaeser, Boxford, MA

Out in our backyard is a freestanding basketball hoop, the kind you stabilize by filling the big plastic base with a ton of water with a hose. At some point, the "fill cap" went missing, and one evening while grilling, I noticed the 6-year-old put a frog through the hole. "Oh my gosh, don't do that!" I said. "He'll never be able to get back out of there!" "It's OK, mom," said my older son. "That's where he puts ALL the frogs." Ever helpful, my husband piped up, "Hey sweetie, I'll give you all my money if you empty that one out at the end of the season." I told him," I already have all your money. You take all the kids to my mom's next Saturday and tell her I had to work for the day." And so it was that he offered to pour out the dead frog Slushie.

 

A Simple Solution  Scott Long, Cary, NC

My wife and I were standing in line waiting to get a table at a local restaurant. I saw a little boy waiting with his daddy. I said hello to him and asked him how old he was. "Six." he said. "Wow. That is great." I replied. Then, wanting to have a little fun with him I said, "I wish I knew how old I was." This clearly surprised him and he peered at me with a really funny look on his face. "What?" he said. "I don't know how old I am," I replied. "I guess I just forgot." He let out a sigh and, without missing a beat, he very matter-of-factly said, "Just wait till your next birthday and count the candles."

 

Can't Get Enough Abigail Robinson, Gonzales, LA

This Christmas my mom and I were in the LifeWay bookstore and I showed her your Bananas DVD and she kinda looked at it and said I could get it. Well, a couple weeks later she saw me watching the DVD and got upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she said that she had forgotten that she had let me get it and had bought me the same thing for Christmas! Thankfully my mom isn't really big on that kind of stuff and it turned out she had purchased a different Jeff Allen Bananas DVD, so now we have two DVDs full of your wonderful comedy!

 

A Time for Manners Donna Pounds, Midland, TX

When my son, Cody, was five-years-old, we were visiting my uncle, his wife (Aunt Sharon), and their four-year-old daughter, Rebecca. Aunt Sharon and I were talking when suddenly Rebecca came running in the room yelling, "Mommy! Mommy!" Aunt Sharon said, "Rebecca, remember we've been talking about manners? You are interrupting, and that's not good manners." Then we finished our conversation. All the while we were talking, Rebecca was silent but anxiously shifting her weight from foot to foot. At last, Aunt Sharon turned to Rebecca and said "All right, Rebecca, it's your turn now... what did you want to say?" Rebecca started jumping up and down and excitedly blurted out "Mommy! Mommy! The television fell on top of Cody!" He was fine, and my aunt and I laughed until we cried! And of course, she taught Rebecca about exceptions to the rules!

 

Crossfooted  Jaysen Martin, Davenport, IA

My daughter had an enormous problem when she was 4 to 5 years old. No matter how many times I tried to teach her what shoe went on which foot, should would put the left shoe on the right foot and vice versa. I tried and tried to get her to get them the right way - I mean you would think that by sheer random chance she would get it right 50% of the time, but she never had the right one on the right foot (no pun intended). Finally, one day I was frustrated about it and I told her that I couldn't believe that she could never get this right and that next time she should just cross her legs before she put her shoes on. The next morning I was totally surprised when she ran down the stairs yelling "Daddy, daddy, look! It worked!!" Yes, they were on the correct feet and have been ever since. She is now 16. I can only assume she is still crossing her legs.

 

Wild Wild Westcicle   Elizabeth Wallen, Loretto, PA

When my son, Davy, was three years old, one of his favorite movies was John Wayne's Rio Bravo. One day when I was making dinner, Davy came out to ask if he might have a popsicle. I told him no, he could not. A few minutes later he came back into the kitchen and told me to call him Dude (a character from Rio Bravo).
 

I said, "Oh, hello Dude. When did you get here?"
 

"I am just passing through. Can I have a popsicle?"
 

"I just told you that you could not have one."
 

"You told Davy he couldn't have one. I am Dude!"


 

Just a Request  Cynthia Bernsdorf, Nazareth, PA

When my son was seven-years-old, we hired a babysitter to go out. We returned home to find the children still awake but in their rooms. They were supposed to be going to sleep but since they weren't, they were simply told by the sitter to stay in their rooms. His room was at the top of the stairs. When he heard us downstairs, he quickly went to work. Knowing that he wasn't allowed out of his room, he wrote us a note, folded it into a paper airplane, and sailed it down to us. Landing at our feet, we opened it to read his simple request..."Dear Mom and Dad, Can I pop some popcorn without the lid on or explode a potato in the microwave?"

 

If I Only Didn't Have a ...  Stephanie, Bel Air, MD
I'm a mother of three, two older sons and a younger daughter named Cara. When Cara was three-years-old her older brothers started singing "Cara has a brain, Cara has a brain..." hoping that she would take offence. She came running to me crying,
"Mommy, tell them I don't have a brain!"

 

Aid for the Ailing King  Roger Kays, La Habra, CA
I was helping out in a Sunday school class for 5-6 year-olds. The discussion was about King David and how he was such a great man of God. The teacher pointed out that, though David was a great hero of the faith and a "man after God's own heart," he fell several times. One petite, little girl raised her hand and asked, "When King David fell did his mommy give him Flintstones band-aids?"

 

Shower Scare  Katie Kamps, Appleton, WI
It was my first time showering in the downstairs bathroom at our new house. I was about nine years old. I decided to use the soap and shampoo that was already there. While I was shampooing my hair, I began to read the back of the bottle. I screamed for my parents. My dad came rushing in and asked what was wrong. I told him that I accidentally got my hair wet. He then asked me why that was a problem. I told him that the bottle said that it was "for dry hair only."

 

Practice Makes Perfect  JoAnn Hammer, Whittier, CA
I was on my way to Kmart one day with my three kids, ages four, three and one, in the backseat. It was a particularly windy day, and we could hear the wind howl as we felt the car shake along the Eastbound I-10 towards Palm Springs, California. Just as I was about to find the next exit to turn around and go back home, Jax, my three-year-old, cried out, "Mommy, I'm scared! Let's go back home!" My four-year-old, Jhen, took her little sister's hand and comforted her: "Jax, don't be scared, that's just the wind. God is teaching the angels to whistle, and wind happens when they're practicing. They're just not very good at it yet."

 

A Sighting?  Christine Sonnenberg, Blue Springs, MO

One Sunday we decided this would be the day we would try our four-year-old daughter in the "big church" (instead of her usual Sunday school where she would learn about Jesus, play and share colorful story books with her friends). In the past, she had been restless and fidgety. This morning she was oddly quiet. She seemed to be intrigued with the priest as he gave his homily and her large eyes watched his every move. Just before mass ended, she tugged at my blouse. She had the most perplexed expression that it took me back a bit. I said, "What is it, honey?" She pointed to the priest, then looked at me and asked, "Is that God up there?"

 

Dog Years  Mrs Meriwether, Clarksville, TN

"My dog had puppies, would you like one?" a little girl asked me as I was leaving church one Sunday. I replied, "Honey, my husband told me that when our old dog dies, we aren't getting another one." She said, "Then I guess you'd better get one before he dies."

 

Ding-a-Ling Bonnie, Nova Scotia, Canada

I work for a cell phone company. A lady called up to say her phone was not working and she couldn't make any calls. I said OK, I will check a few things and then we will do some troubleshooting. The account looked fine, so I asked her if she had her phone there. She said Yes. I said, first we need to verify the SIM number - so I needed her to press #, *, menu, then 'right arrow.' She said, well if I do that while I'm talking to you, will I lose you. I said ma'am, what phone are you talking to me on? She said, the one I'm calling you about. I said, ma'am, if you called me, your phone must be working. She said, oh yeah, you're right. I guess its fixed now.

 

Three Generations of Faith  Shanah Miner, Readsboro, VT

Picture three generations of women, my mother, myself and my three-year-old daughter, in the ladies room at the mall - each in separate stalls.  We are talking about God and how He is with us all the time. As my mother explains that God loves us and he is with us always, my daughter suddenly gets very quiet. Finally she says, "Nana... is God in the bathroom RIGHT NOW?"

 

Remote with a Capital "R"  Joyce, Crawfordville, FL

When my daughter Jennifer was three, I told her to go turn the TV off in the bedroom. Jen just said "No mommy." I told her, "Jen, go turn the TV off, you don't have to be scared, Jesus will go with you." Jen replied, "Momma, if Jesus is going, let him turn the TV off."

 

O2 Invasion  Roger,  La Habra, CA

Before I had children I thought I had heard all the variations of sibling challenges. You know..."Dad, he's looking at me! or "He's touching me!" And even after my two boys, ages 9 and 5 at the time, came up with "Daaaad! He's looking out my window!" I thought I'd heard it all. But, I was driving to the store one day with the two of them cinched in seat belts on opposite ends of the back seat with the No Man's Land of the empty center seat. It was suspiciously quiet for a while, when suddenly I sensed a rapid movement in the back seat. In the rear view mirror I spied my older boys' head moving across No Man's Land towards his brother's side, followed by very rapid, deep and loud breathing. Within milliseconds my youngest alerts me to his older brother's felony trespass with, 'Daaaad! He's breathing all my air!" There are times raising kids when it's really essential that you bite your tongue so you don't laugh and encourage future disturbances. That was definitely one of them.

 

Food Wisdom  Dean, Mill Creek, WA

My five year old son has never met a person he didn't want to have a conversation with...which included the lady in the back row of the church who was nursing her infant. Out of earshot from me, he began asking her what she was doing. She politely told him, "I am feeding my baby. Did you know that mommies make milk for their baby's?" As if clued in to what she was talking about, he replied, "They make spaghetti, too."

 

Nobody Does It Better Shannon, Brockton, MA

My cousin and his father don’t communicate very well. One day he was in his truck listening to music when his father comes out to say hello. After a while of trying to talk to him, his father gives it one last try and asks what he was listening to. My cousin answers “Nobody.” His father finally gets angry, going on for a few minutes about how he’s “just trying to have a conversation” and “you don’t have to be a big wise guy” and so on.  After he finally stops ranting, my cousin looks over at him and says, “Hello?! That’s the name of the band, Dad, ‘Nobody.’”

 

Whose Line Is This, Anyway? Jon, Effingham, IL

The son of a family friend of ours started kindergarten this past fall. After the first day of school, the boy somehow managed to get on the wrong school bus. While such an occurrence might traumatize many of us, this child was completely unfazed. When the bus driver returned to the bus barn and discovered our friend's son still on the bus, he asked him, "How come you're still on the bus?" The child replied, completely calmly, "Because you never stopped at my house." Ask a stupid question....

 

Commandment Sarah, Keyport, NJ

My cousin, Propecia, had just learned about the Ten Commandments in Sunday School. While shopping with her friend, Kim, Propecia became concerned with how Kim talked back to her mother. For example, when Kim’s mother suggested she buy a particular shirt, Kim said, "Don’t tell me what to do!" Shocked by this behavior, Propecia scolded Kim, applying her Sunday School lesson, "Thou shalt not commit ADULTery!"

   (Names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

 

Manic Mechanics (True Story and a Must Read!) Ron, Lancaster, OH

As a business man I was on the road many weekends during the summer months. My youngest son Ryan was never very mechanically minded… great athlete… but totally disconnected from how anything mechanical worked.

I’m in Tennessee, and my wife called to tell me about the Ryan’s first outing with his buds at a shopping mall.

We bought him a little compact pickup truck… figured he could only kill one other kid at a time with just two seats in his first vehicle.

Turns out… he locked the keys in the truck at the local mall. When he and his buddy came out and discovered the problem… he tried to call mom… but she was busy helping at the high school (it was prom night) and didn’t answer her phone.

As they stood there discussing the next step… another equally mechanically challenged friend spots them… cruises over and says, “Hey I got one of those pry bar tools that you take the lug nuts off with… maybe you can pop the door open!”

Somehow…this sounded reasonable to Ryan. So he takes his turn trying to pop the door open by going 360 degrees around the door-opening prying back the sheet metal like an old tuna can.

When that failed to open the door the others tried their hand at it. They later confessed they did discuss the considerable damage and agreed that it could be “pushed back… and rubbed out… NO PROBLEM!” However the door was still locked and the keys dangled teasingly from the steering column.

Scratching their heads… a fourth school chum showed up and weighed in with, “Hey, over there lays a cement block… why don’t you just bust out the window?”

Stooge number four’s solution seemed reasonable to the entire group and so Ryan grabbed the cement block.  But as he is about to pop the window… his jury of peers suggest that he back up so he won’t get hit by flying glass. So Ryan backed up about ten feet… hurls the cement block toward the passenger door glass… and misses… hitting the front fender… caving it in.

The panel of engineering experts appraise the damage and one of them offers to take over for Ryan.  "I can hit that window" he declares.

He backed up twenty feet and got a run for it. Bearing down on the helpless GMC he trips with about five feet to go and drives the block into the side of the bed behind the cab. By this time the vehicle looks like it was sideswiped by a Semi!

Ryan... near panic seeing the demolished side of his truck… picks up the block and at point-blank range hurls the block through the side glass… shattering the glass into the interior. However, in his excitement he threw it so hard that it careened off the seat (tearing the upholstery) and bounced into the steering column busting the column wide open and smashing the keys beyond use.

As the flat bed truck delivered the lil' truck to the body shop, his mother and I helped him understand the mechanics of working for our family business the entire summer to pay for the damage.

 

Sister Pearl Belts Them Out Submitted by:  Karen Vertrees, Cunningham, TN

When I was about 8 years old living in Birmingham, Alabama, at First

Church of the Nazarene, we would have a Homecoming every year and in the

afternoon there would be special singing. I remember one year Sister

Pearl (Dad Speer's sister) was singing. I was on the front row watching

and listening when all of a sudden Sister Pearl opened her mouth real

wide to sing a note and her teeth fell out. She just reached down and

picked them up, put them back in her mouth and just went on singing like

nothing had ever happened.

 

One for Mr. Science  Submitted by:  Nana, Sumiton, AL

My three-year-old grandson wants to know what kind of batteries are in the

lightening bugs.

 

Instructions  Submitted by:  Mark Wilson, Murfreesboro, TN

My wife was in her hospital room the morning after her hysterectomy when the physician came in with instructions for the near future.  I was standing there, pad in hand, all ears, when he said "...and no relations for six weeks." Unconsciously I blurted out, "Oh no honey, your mother is supposed to be here tomorrow!"  My wife and the doctor took one startled look at me, and then burst out laughing.

 

Not Rated  Submitted by:  Debbie Morton, Bucyrus, OH

I think our 11-year-old son Jacob is striving to be the next Jeff Allen. About one week into 5th grade, the teacher informed the kids about a homework assignment on the board. It read "Pg. 13 in Math." Jacob raised his hand and the teacher called on him. He said, "I can't do the homework assignment, Teacher." After asking why not, Jacob replied, "My parents won't allow PG13 in our house." Only Jacob would think of that! It was his ADHD coming out. The teacher later told us the whole class was rolling on the floor.

 

Voice of the Dog  Submitted by:  Bobby Morrison, Maryville, MO

Between having kids and a large dog lot adjoining our new home, there was just no avoiding getting a dog.   So, I purchased a lovely Samoyed, which is a sled dog that is very family-oriented. Keeping a family dog in a lot away from the family annoyed the dog, who, in turn, annoyed me by barking at anything and everything at night. One night I’d had enough and went to our deck to try to quiet the dog. He dog ignored me. I spoke, he barked. I spoke louder, he barked more excitedly. But I noticed he was acting as if I was not there and focusing his attention toward his door. I was furious by this time, it being 2:00 a.m., and I marched to the lot to hush this dog. He continued to bark as I approached and as I flung his lot door open to really make my point, the object of his attention made its presence known. A very large, scared and particularly ugly possum was wedged into the corner of his door opening. I bravely shooed the animal into the woods and made my way back to bed. I then made the mistake of telling my wife the whole story. A couple of nights later my dog started barking again and I yelled through our open window, "What is wrong with you, what are you barking at now?" My lovely wife, lying next to me said from under the covers in her best doggy voice, "I'm barking at a possum."

 

Misdirected Compliance  Submitted by:  Gene, Salem, OR

One of our neighbor's sons is three years old and loves to ride his bike in our cul-de-sac. One day his dad called to him to come in for dinner and to bring in his bike. Later, his dad was walking in front of our house, half laughing and half shaking his head in disbelief. When I asked what was going on, he said, "I told Harrison to get his bike and come into the house for dinner.  So he rode his brother's bike up the street, left it there, and rode his own bike home."

 

Payback  Submitted by:  Cal Rychener, Peoria, IL (Northwoods Community Church)

When my nephew, Matt, was four years old, it seems he was having a bit of a problem in Sunday School.  One of his little friends, Megan, must have had a crush on him or something because one day he came to his dad after Sunday School and said, "Dad, Megan's always kissing me in Sunday School." His dad, trying to have a little fun with him said, "So, do you kiss her back?" Whereupon Matt responds, "No, I kiss her right on the lips!" (My nephew ain't no dummy!)

 

Him Again  Submitted by:  Shelli, Omaha, NE

During our drive home from church we usually ask our kids what their lesson was about in their class. Once, when our son was three years old, he said they learned that Jesus went around doing good. I thought, "OK, I guess that's appropriate for his age", and didn't give it much more thought. The next Sunday, when we asked the same question, our son answered with a sigh, "Oh, we learned that Jesus went around doing good... again."

 

Barrel of Funny   Submitted by:  Lisa, Oldham, SD

I'm now a pastor's wife and mother of three. But when I was growing up I heard some pretty disparaging comments from my perfectionist parents... especially my Dad, who--from the moment I turned twelve--began repeating, "You know what they say the best way is to deal with teenagers, don't ya? When they turn 13, you stick 'em in a barrel and feed 'em through the knothole; when they turn 16, you plug the knothole!" Ha! Ha! Ha!  But I'm not bitter or anything... :)

 

Weed Wisdom   Submitted by:  Jeanette Main, Santa Teresa, NM

My six-year-old daughter and I were picking up weeds.  I decided I would be smart and use dead palm tree leaves to pick up the sticker-weeds to throw them in the trash.  Looking at my daughter I said "See, sometimes Mommy can be smart."  To which she replied "It would be smarter if you used a shovel."

 

Joyous Conversation    Submitted by:  Donna McComb, Columbus, OH

I was helping my four-year-old grandson with his memory verse while driving to a children’s program at my church.  We recited the verse, “When they saw the star, they rejoiced with great joy…” several times.  Finally I decided he knew it and we changed the subject.  Remembering that his mom had just flown home from Arizona that afternoon, I asked Ethan if his mom was glad to see him when she arrived home.  He responded by saying, “Yes, Grandma, she was glad... and rejoiced with great joy!”

 

Take a Moment    Submitted by:  Dawn Gray, Spring Branch, TX

My nine year old is very attentive about everything.  You've heard the expression, "I'm having a senior moment."  Well, he's heard my Mother say that and he's heard me say, "I'm having a forties moment."  One day, he was very serious in trying to remember something to tell me.  With a puzzled look on his face he said, "I can't remember what I was going to tell you. I must be having a nine-year-old moment!"

 

Greatest Hits and Misses    Submitted by:  Gilbert Purtee, Chattanooga, TN

Our wonderful Pastor was standing on the platform, waiting patiently for the groom to take his place.  The bride was ready, the crowd was seated and the organ was playing.  After half an hour, still no groom!  Seconds seemed like hours as our Pastor stood patiently among the flowers that adorned the setting for the ceremony.  In an attempt to pacify the wedding guests, our Pastor made an impulsive decision.  He took a song book from the organist and whispered a number to her.  Then he regained his place in the foliage-covered arch to sing his favorite song.  The intro was played, the Pastor sang the first line of his solo, slammed the book closed and walked off stage.  The crowd roared out in laughter.  His favorite song was "I Come to the Garden Alone."

 

A Demon in the Garage    Submitted by:  Jackie, Missouri

My wife asked me to replace an electrical outlet in the utility room over a weekend.  I tried this with a two-year-old underfoot.  I got the materials and started the job.  I took the old fixture down, and began putting the new fixture together.  As I was screwing in the wires: red to red, black to black, I noticed my garage door going up and down. So I took the wires off, and again the garage door went up and down.  I thought, now what have I done?  There must be a short somewhere.  So I checked the breaker box, but nothing unusual there.  I began again, putting the red wire with red, and black with black, and the garage door again began to go up and down.  I began to get really frustrated.  I put the fixture down, and went into the front room to check on my two-year-old.  There he was, pressing the button on the garage door remote I had unwittingly left in the living room.  I laughed so hard, I actually fell on the floor.  Meanwhile, my son keeps playing with the remote, with the door going up and down, and me rolling on the floor laughing.  I finally took it from him, explained what it was, and, of course, gave him something else to play with.

 

Bag Boy    Submitted by:  Sandra Macham, Tecumseh, MI

One Sunday afternoon my sister-in-law invited my daughter and I over for a cookout.  We had Sloppy Joes to eat and Jell-O for desert. My nephew, who was seven years old at the time, began eating his Jell-O with his fingers.  His mother asked him to get something to eat it with so he wouldn't get it on his fingers.  He returned to the table with a plastic sandwich bag on his hand.

 

Hammer Dad    Submitted by:  Brian Mathis, Piedmont, SD

I was in the basement, building a laundry room for my wife.  My son Brendan comes down to see what Dad is doing.  He is four years old and loves to imitate Dad.  He picks up the hammer and starts to help.  I noticed right away that his idea of help might not be the best for the laundry room.  I quickly took away the hammer and gave him an imaginary hammer.  He is very happy and starts going around the basement shouting, “hammer, hammer, hammer” and making the appropriate hammering motions.

 

I go back to work feeling pleased that I narrowly escape a disaster.  I was taken by complete surprise when I heard a fight going on around the corner.  I head over and saw my seven-year-old daughter, Heather, holding my son’s imaginary hammer and my son screaming, “She took my hammer!”  I was totally shocked about the power of sibling rivalry.  Being the dad, I had to straighten out this situation before I was in trouble from my wife.  I told Heather to return the hammer and don’t take his toys.

 

Of course any parent knows that the immediate response from my daughter was crying that it is not fair and I don’t love her.  I looked at her and replied, “You should’ve come to me first, because I have your brand new imaginary hammer right here.”  They both started going around the basement shouting, “Hammer, hammer, hammer.”  I absolutely love being a dad.

 

Back Seat Driver     Submitted by:  Donna Miller, Grove City, OH

I'm not the most patient driver, but have always been very careful about what I say (or do) in front of the kids.  One day I was waiting for traffic to move when out of the back seat my three-year old shouts, "Oh come on lady, move it!"  See, they are listening!

 

Gratitude Attitude     Submitted by:  Bobby Chinman, Pittsburgh, PA

Sometimes it really bugs me how dismissive my 13-year-old can be.  If you don’t have one, you might find this funny.  If you do, you probably won’t; just like people who have Dilbert’s boss for a boss find his cartoons more depressing than funny.

 

The other day I took my son to his Little League game.  At some point during the game he walked over to me and with his usual slur said something like, “All you do is talk to other parents; you don’t even watch the game.” 

 

Now, nothing could be further from the truth.  It’s true, I do talk to other parents, and when someone needs to talk to me I might spend time on cell phone.  But I watch the game like a hawk.  So I started to get really irritated, but I bit my tongue until I could figure out what I really needed to say.  And the next time he came over, I took him aside and I said this:  “I left work an hour early and drove the better part of an hour to get you to this game.  When you are in the field, I watch every single pitch on the off-chance that one is hit to you at 2nd base.  When you are at bat, I watch every pitch; I even try to call the balls and strikes.  And I’m just as intense when you are on base, to see if you steal.  I make sure you are fed, have water to drink, and am the loudest cheerer of all the parents.  I’m also the parent that’s most consistently here.  So it makes me feel poorly when you recognize my devotion to watching you play by criticizing how I’m doing it, and doubting whether I’m paying attention.”

 

Yet to be appeased, he then decided to give me a test.  “OK,” he said.  “So what happened at my last at bat.”  I said, “You didn’t swing at the first pitch, which was a strike.  Then you swung at the second pitch, which was high.  On the third pitch, you hit a hard grounder to 3rd.  The 3rd baseman bobbled the ball but then made a great play, but the 1st baseman dropped the ball.  I couldn’t tell from here if you would have been out or safe if he caught it, because it was really close.”

 

He seemed impressed.  I could tell he was.  But here’s all I got out of him.  Perhaps I should be grateful and find the deeper meaning behind the words.  He said, “Whatever.”  Then he walked back to the bench.

 

I don’t know if I, or any of us parents, will ever get the satisfaction of having our spoiled children understand what we do for them.  All we can do is keep giving, and keep reminding them not to take things for granted, and to express appreciation.  Until then, I guess we just have to suck it in.  Whatever.

 


 

American Comedy

 
 

(c) 2015 Jeff Allen / Zingara, Inc.  All rights reserved.

Website built by Pittsburgh SEO